Alien Lover

I know the madman's torture. Insanity is a black, engulfing loneliness - an utter and complete isolation from all human interaction. No, I'm not insane. Unlike a madman, I realize the passage of time, and the hopelessness of my future. I have committed to never again see with my own eyes, touch with my own hands, or smell anything besides the slight sweetness of the catalyst in my rebreather. I wonder why I volunteered for this mission. I am a scientist; I desired to scribe my name onto the tablets of history with a grand and heroic gesture. It was my dream to extend the frontiers of man's knowledge. The quest for a personal Grail seduced me, and I now suffer the consequences of my ego.

Only a small group of scientists know I'm here. We felt it best to do our study without the interference of governments. We discovered an intelligent, alien society within reach of conventional space travel. Blundered upon it really. Until recently, we searched for life as we know it - in our arrogance oblivious to intelligent life that did not evolve as we did on a water planet. My mission is to infiltrate and observe. Because of their proximity, we did not want them to know who we were or where we came from, particularly if they turned out to be aggressive.

To all who knew me on Earth, I died in a fiery explosion as the space shuttle Challenger took off on a routine satellite maintenance mission. In reality, I engaged the most sophisticated cloaking system available to modern man and escaped in a tiny rescue pod. I pulled off the grand hoax of my life. It had to be perfect, our success depended upon escaping the detection of both human and alien eyes. I regret the loss of a civilian life, but we only had one shot at our goal before the shuttle was tied up with military missions. We did what we had to do.

We did not want to risk regular communications, so I record everything into a data base attached to a dead man's switch. When my heart stops, everything I've recorded during my lifetime will be transmitted in a single burst to a vigilant receiver on earth. We'll have that one shot to communicate all that I uncover before it's discovered and traced or jammed.

I am essentially a cyborg now - half man, half machine. Actually, it is more of a bio-sphere loosely based on experiments performed in the late 80's. An oxygen generator supplements the air scrubbed by the rebreather. Water vapor is extracted and recycled by the thermal exchanger that regulates my temperature at human levels. These systems consume a fair amount of power, and an inordinate consumption of fusionable materials is my biggest risk of discovery now.

These creatures are large compared to humans, measuring 10 to 15 meters in height and weighing several tons. It made the design of the bio-sphere somewhat less complicated. A gravity index similar to earth's helped as well. Although the gravity is only 1.75 times that of earth, I have never completely adjusted to it; I always sound out of breath, and I'm chronically exhausted.

Actually, my problem isn't exactly loneliness, although it may be related. I'm in love. And Darantha loves me too. Only she doesn't really know me. I have a horrible secret that is tearing me up inside. How can I tell her she is in love with a human? She says that she loves me no matter what - but I don't think that includes something like this. I desperately need advice, but there is no one to ask. The only thoughts available are those that echo confusedly through my mind.

Could I really love an alien? My heart pounds harder at the sight of her, her every word and every move fascinate me. I ache to tell her the truth; I agonize over her reaction. I dread the look of horror on her face when I reveal what I truly am. I fear she would leave me forever. These feelings might be explained as acute loneliness, but there are other, more primal urges that both exhilarate and repulse me.

After 20 years amongst the Alartans I even become excited by their mating songs as they sing to each other in the shadows of the huge buildings of this small metropolis. They look like they are singing Christmas carols, reading from their ancient family scrolls. The "paper" is actually sheets of overlapping crystals with missing crystals forming the sound patterns, much like our braille for the blind, only more intricate and complicated.

To them, mating is as acceptable in public as eating is to humans. It is done quietly, like stealing a kiss, but often in an area bustling with other activity. I have been witness to this beautiful union devoid of human stigmas and fantasize joining with Darantha in "life-bonding". This is impossible of course. We did not know enough about this species at the time of construction to replicate their sexual organs that are exposed only during copulation. I am effectively a eunuch, but the dreams still haunt my sleep by night and boil my blood by day. I'm finding it impossible to concentrate on my science, chronically distracted by lusty thoughts of the fair Darantha.

Tonight I'm going to tell her. I can stand this charade no longer. Over the last few weeks I've been working toward this night. I think there is a way out of this maddening mechanical jail. I've rigged a full-face safety mask to the oxygen generator so I can make a tethered excursion outside of the biosphere. I imagine it to be like the first attempts to walk on the ocean floor connected by a precious and frail umbilical cord to the safety of our more familiar world. The outside temperature runs about 140 degrees Fahrenheit, so I can't stay long. Whatever happens, happens.

Darantha looks lovely tonight with her freshly oiled carapace. I can see the longing in her eyes and my heart pounds as I notice the sheets of mating songs stashed in her bag. Apparently she has some big plans for tonight as well.

"Darantha, I have something I must tell you. I'm not who you think I am. I was sent to learn about your people. This may be a shock for you."

"There is nothing you could tell me that could douse the passion I feel for you. Are you originally from Carpathia? I don't care if you're descended from those barbarians, our souls needn't suffer our ancestors ' differences."

"Sit down as I reveal my true identity, my love." With that, I released the escape hatch and took my first step onto this alien soil. My head swam as the blast of heat assaulted my unaccustomed body. The oxygen pressure was marginal through the long hose I rigged, so my breathing was even more labored than usual. As I regained my thoughts I looked into the eyes of the creature I adored and realized they no longer sparkled with love.

Darantha screamed and then smashed my tiny human body with the rolled up mating songs. As my guts oozed onto the floor the radio dutifully sprung to life and began transmitting.

I guess love isn't blind.